Administratium And The Blame Density Metric

A joke that’s circulated on the Web for quite some time describes this supremely dense element:

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years. However, it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

But research on Administratium has not stopped. The Silicon Graybeard has blazed a further trail:

The behavior of any bureaucrat in a government agency or large company can be explained by envisioning a global three dimensional blame density function. No bureaucrat ever willingly stays near a peak in the blame density function: a concentration of blame....

In the absence of things that cause blame to concentrate, [the blame graph] is a flat, uniform surface. Once peaks begin to form in the blame density, government workers or bureaucrats (but I repeat myself) try to flee the peaks and get back to blame-neutral space. This is why the congress hasn't passed a budget in three years - no blame can be assigned. Conversely, it's why they pass resolutions to praise or condemn things that are completely non-controversial. Nothing to be blamed for.

If you work in manufacturing, you have very probably heard of the ISO-9000 family of specifications that manufacturers are being forced to adopt. These can also be explained in terms of reducing peaks in the blame density function. Think of it this way: by creating procedures for everything the company does, you keep the individual worker from deciding how to do things; the stated purpose of these quality systems is to reduce variation, which comes from different workers deciding differently. The usual, cynical comment you hear is "it takes 30 people to get something moving but only one to stop it". The one who stops it is generally afraid of being on a peak of blame density. If everyone follows the procedure but the product fails, no one gets blamed. The procedure gets changed.

This is how you get a situation where the negligence of someone in the State department gets a group of men murdered and nothing happens. Or the negligence of a SWAT team raiding a wrong house and innocent people being hurt or killed. If you or I neglected to do something on our property, perhaps not covering up a hole where we're working in the yard, and someone was killed in it, we would get charged with manslaughter. Whomever it was in the State department that got these men killed won't be. You can bet on that. They have a procedure they were following.

Suddenly, much that was hidden has now become clear: Government officials and their flunkies are composed principally of Administratium! Our next challenge is to determine the precise mechanism by which concentrations of Administratium call huge masses of Procedurite into existence. Procedurite, as we know, swells and obstructs those channels in an organization through which useful communications travel and decisions are linked to those accountable for them. If that link could only be severed, imagine the gains in productivity!

(Nota Bene: It is extremely unwise to attempt to circumnavigate a large Procedurite formation. The probability of collision with an angry mass of Administratium is far too high. The consequences have occasionally included involuntary transfer into management. A word to the wise: Back away slowly until you’re well beyond the front doors, then run like hell.)