Quickies: A New Energy Source?

Recently, the C.S.O. and I were chatting about the pseudo-energy crisis. I say pseudo without embarrassment. Earth is rich in energy resources, but the enviro-fascists, whose friends in the halls of power are very strong, are against any and every form of energy generation or accumulation:

• The burning of fossil fuels emits "greenhouse gases!"
• Nuclear power is unsafe!
• Hydroelectric power corrupts riverine habitats!
• Solar panels would destroy our fragile desert ecologies!
• And putting billions of hamsters on treadmills would never get past PETA!

Put it all together and it spells "Mother Earth." At the expense of longsuffering Mankind, of course. But the maternophilic urges of the enviro-fascists are not to be denied. They'd much rather rape the rest of us.

That leaves only one possibility:

The hell with the hamsters;
Put the greenie-weenies to work!

It has the beauty and simplicity of a major breakthrough:

• Enviro-weenies will pull our vehicles;
• Enviro-weenies will walk on treadmills to generate electricity;
• Enviro-weenies will exercise frantically to heat our homes in the winter!

(No, I haven't worked out the air-conditioning side of things yet. Give me time.)

There's just one problem: we'd need a lot of them, and they'd have to be fed, clothed, and housed. Whoops, more than one problem: they're opposed to human reproduction, so the supply would dwindle faster than the overall need for their, ah, services. (Not to mention that breeding them would be kind of problematic, given the demand for all those treadmills and rickshaw pullers and such.)

Just how would we feed them, given that they want to ban the use of "green revolution" agrochemicals? And where would we house them, considering how many billions of them we'd need to power America alone?

This will clearly require a bit more thought.