Quickies: Romantic Travails Of The Rich And Famous

     We’ve all heard the jokes about “first world problems.” Well, above that category are the problems of mega-rich, mega-famous celebrities. For example, it’s one of today’s lighter news items that Jennifer Lawrence can’t get a date.

     Now, it’s one thing to just say “How sad” and return to your bagel. It’s another to take such a problem seriously and resolve to fix it, or at least understand it. And really, what else is a Certified Galactic Intellect for?

     So I decided to think through the possible reasons the beautiful, talented, and wealthy JLaw is unhappily unmated:

1. Intimidation. Quite a lot of “regular” men would never dare to approach a major star like Jennifer Lawrence. Unfortunately, the overwhelming majority of the men in her “peer group” – i.e., other celebrities – are users and untrustworthy philandering assholes with vacuum for brains. Fame can do that to you.
2. Exclusion. A celebrity is expected to spend his time in the company of other celebrities and their rich, powerful backers. That naturally limits Lawrence’s exposure to potential romantic candidates.
3. Occupational conflicts. A good man will have a career of his own. How many such would be willing to abandon their careers for a shot at the affections of a celebrity? Celebrities are notoriously flighty, which is part of the reason most celebrity romances are brief and go down in flames. That’s what made Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward so noteworthy.
4. Nastiness. Celebrities often express themselves with no thought for the consequences. Lawrence has done that at least twice: once on Christians, the other time on “equal pay for women.” Many a good man would immediately recoil from her: first because she’d condemned three-fourths of the country on the basis of her narrow exposure; second because she allows herself opinions on subjects about which she knows nothing.
5. Other personality quirks. Jennifer Lawrence is widely celebrated for her “quirky” personality. To many men, that presents the appearance of instability. Instability is a highly undesirable trait in a lover or spouse, no matter what other assets she might bring to the match. I’m here to tell you.

     Well, she does like dogs and guns. Maybe you should spend more time at animal shelters and shooting ranges, Jennifer. I’ve met some very nice people there. Or maybe try going to church. Perhaps at a Catholic parish, if you can find one in Tinsel Town where Catholicism is actually practiced. I understand that’s getting to be rather difficult, but you could consult Jim Caviezel for a suggestion.