Dear Wealthy Californians --
On behalf of
those people of Texas who still retain a modicum of common sense, by
which I mean all of us except for Governor Perry, I would like to
rescind the offer
which he has so graciously but injudiciously extended to you. You see,
the whole thing is a really, really bad idea. I'm not sure what my
governor is thinking, or even if he is even capable of actual thought in
light of his horrendously bad suggestion.
years, I have met many Californians who have moved here to Texas,
usually for a job, which they were apparently incapable of finding in
their home state. Invariably, they have taken it upon themselves to
inform me just how awful Texas is, and how much better it would be if
Texas were more like California. In that respect, they have a great
deal in common with the Mexicans I meet here. The irony of their
position does not seem to dawn on them, but never mind, that is another
subject for another time.
Much as it pains me to say
this, their complaints are largely correct. Texas is full of very
ignorant people. For example, there are still people here who think
homosex is wrong, even when done in public, and wouldn't have the
slightest clue how to properly accessorize S&M apparel.
don't, in general, embrace the enlightened ideals of government which
you favor, such as enormous tax burdens and deficit spending to fund
important public initiatives like sex change operations and massive
welfare spending. People here tend to think that spending more than you
take in is generally a bad idea anyway, but worse if you happen to be a
government. I may know as well as you that, although your present
difficulty centers around a few accounting quirks in making this
particular strategy work for you, nevertheless I'm confident you'll
figure them out at some point. But here in our backwards state, that
kind of thing is looked down on, and it is not generally believed that
you can get around things like arithmetic.
I'm not a big government kind of guy, either, but in this case I do
think I could get behind what I see as the only real solution to the
'California conundrum.' I propose that the Army Corps of Engineers dig a
large moat around California, and fill it with radioactive waste. And
pirannhas. And maybe land-mine the western half of Nevada.
you see, the problem with California as it seems to me is that there is
just not enough commitment to its ideals. People embrace these kinds
of innovative ideas, but then as soon as things start getting exciting,
and the results of all these great plans start coming to fruition, they
get all weak-kneed and want to bail out. How can anybody really
accomplish anything great if he loses his nerve just when things start
to get a little sketchy? No -- California and her people need to ride
this train clear to the station, and I and I believe other Texans, and
probably people from many other states, are fully committed to helping
motivate Californians and steel their jittery nerves at this time of
indecision to see things through to the end.
to Texas is just a stupid idea. What, really, does Texas have to offer?
It won't accomplish anything. You won't like it here, and we won't
like you being here.
Seriously, don't come.
Truly and Sincerely Yours,
OK, you're right. The real reason I don't want you here is that I'm
not so keen on the idea of bringing into my state a whole bunch of
people who have managed to utterly ruin what otherwise sounds like a
really wonderful place. Texas isn't perfect, it has its own problems
certainly, even some major ones, but one thing we sure don't need is a
massive influx of foolishness.
And we don't really
need your money, either. Have you considered Florida? Or maybe
Virginia or New Hampshire? They sound pretty nice.