The election season has brought us everything but an actual, flying-lead revolution, or so it seems to many. “Absurd,” “bizarre,” “incomprehensible” are some of the adjectives I’ve seen or heard about the presidential contest. “Blowhard vs. Corruptocrat,” one commentator called it. And indeed, there are aspects of this contest that seem to go well beyond the borders of the plausible, in a “you can’t make this stuff up” sort of way.
But while truth may seem stranger than fiction, one must bear in mind that fiction can always “take an eight count,” get up off the mat, and reach further out. Consider the following possibilities, none of which I’d dare to incorporate into an actual story:
From the world of journalism:
- David Gregory becomes a life member of the National Rifle Association.
- Fox News hires a 6’6” blonde with a 52-inch bust who speaks no known language, and installs her in place of Megyn Kelly. (“At least she’s a Trump supporter,” mutters Roger Ailes.)
- Breitbart.com acquires the New York Times for $1.00, breaks it up, and sells the pieces at a loss. (“It was littering up the place,” mutters Breitbart Editor-in-Chief Alexander Marlow.)
- Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Charles Krauthammer film a pro-Hillary Clinton spot. The three appear in sackcloth and ashes and wail “How could we have doubted you?” to the melody from “Stairway to Heaven.”
- The Clinton for President campaign immediately commissions a follow-up spot in which the three “penitents” are publicly flogged by Brian Williams, who’s dressed as a dominatrix.
- Dan Rather is seen stumbling down Broadway in a ratty bathrobe, shrieking “I’ve found the frequency! I’ve found the frequency!”
From the interest groups:
- The Club For Growth announces its endorsement of Jill Stein.
- The Sierra Club announces its endorsement of Donald Trump.
- The National Rifle Association announces its endorsement of Hillary Clinton.
- The American Postal Workers Union demands that the federal government outlaw email.
From the campaign itself:
- Green Party candidate Jill Stein challenges Bernie Sanders to a death match in a mixed-martial arts octagon, “to show the people who’s the real socialist badass.”
- Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson proclaims that as president, he’ll seek admission for the U.S. into the Russian Federation “because it’s been more successful than our arrangement.”
- Trump supporters attempt the assassination of Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson “so he can’t steal votes from our candidate.”
- In her victory speech, Hillary Clinton names Wayne LaPierre as her choice for Surgeon-General.
- In his victory speech, Donald Trump names Hillary Clinton as his choice for Secretary of State. (“She did such a good job the first time,” the president-elect mutters.)
- In her victory speech, Jill Stein announces her intent to annex Brazil.
- In his victory speech, Gary Johnson demands a recount. (“What’s Aleppo?” the president-elect mutters.)
- In his victory speech, Evan McMullin announces his renunciation of his American citizenship and his intent to move to North Korea.
But you know, none of that will happen. Whether you’re happy about it or not...well, maybe you should keep that to yourself. But here’s the fantasy outcome I’m hoping for: Of the ballots cast for president in this Year of Our Lord 2016:
- 0.1% vote for Hillary Clinton.
- 0.2% vote for Donald Trump.
- 0.3% vote for “Sweet Meteor of Death.” (“I demand a recount,” the meteor mutters.)
- 99.4% of the votes select “None of the Above is Acceptable, and Don’t insult our intelligence this way ever again!”
Ah, perchance to dream...