Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Quickies: Efficiency Has Its Limits And You’d Bloody Well Better Respect Them

     If you read nothing else today, savor this incredibly funny tale of home maintenance gone badly wrong by the great Gerard Vanderleun. But do make sure you’re securely seated, seat belt buckled and tray table closed before you do.

     Gerard’s tale nearly killed me, as I own three vacuums: two Eureka baglesses that are impossible to empty without turning the environs into a Superfund site and an Oreck upright that's the bane of my existence. Gerard has taught me something that, perhaps, I should not have learned.

     I also own a Bissell carpet steamer, a Bissell steamer for tile floors, and a Bona sanitization unit for hardwood – no, we do not eat off the floors here at the Fortress, but it never hurts to be prepared – and I sometimes wonder where I acquired this urge to own every floor-cleaning device in existence. I'm certain that it wasn't from my mother, who regarded housecleaning as beneath her. Neither could it have been from my father, who couldn't even turn on a vacuum without injuring himself. Sigh, Maybe there are some things Man was not meant to know.

     (With that, it’s back to my labors on The Wise and the Mad, which I hope to complete this month. There are no, repeat no vacuuming, steaming, or other floor-cleaning scenes in this novel. There are, however, a lot of food-related scenes, so remember to take properly modest bites and keep your chin over your plate. See you later. 23 Skidoo. Cheers. And stuff.)


Rick C said...

I got one of those vacuums that have a cyclone action a few years ago. One nice thing about it is you take out the plastic cylinder, which is a lot like a round plastic 2-liter drink pitcher, and just push a spring-loaded lever on the bottom (after placing the pitcher over the trash can!) and the whole bottom panel swings down on a hinge, more-or-less neatly dropping the dust, hair, kitten bones, etc., into said trash can.

Punzdeleon said...

My Kirby saved my life. Hurricane David was bearing down on us. I put up plywood shutters on her six sliding glass doors leaving saw and cement dust on the carpet. David missed us and I removed the shutters. Soon, a direr call, I ruined her indoor/outdoor carpet and what was I going to do about it!? "Calm down" I said to no noticeable effect. Grabbing the Kirby I hurried over. Kirby saved the day and my neck. Hell hath no fury as a woman whose new carpet looks ruined.