Things No One Should Be Told Dept.

     Gather round, my educator colleagues, and I shall tell you a tale of the Bad Old Days. Back then, before we all grasped the Truth and made it the center of the curriculum, the schools taught a subject called history. It purported to teach students about stuff that happened before the center of the universe shifted – that is, before they were born.

     No, we don’t teach history today. In recent years it’s been replaced by a much more important regimen called global studies, which schools the young in what really matters: the inherent and inexpiable guilt of the white race and all its members; the refutation of Western religious traditions; parental “discipline” as the root cause of all crime; the superiority of African culture; the exemption of Muslims from the penal laws; the sanctity of polymorphous perversity; the inalienable rights to abortion, same-sex marriage, and government-subsidized sex changes; and why the other nations of the world hate the United States even though they hunger for our bucks and demand that we defend them from one another.

     History was suppressed because it’s nothing but a collage of innumerable scraps of useless and misleading trivia that were called facts. These items, which were assembled in time sequence, gave students inadmissible notions about supposed causal relations that prevail among people and nations. Clearly, this is dangerous to the developing mind, which must not be contaminated by any notion that there exist actual laws of nature no legislature can repeal or modify. That would make the teacher’s job of inculcating the tenets of the progressive gospel in his students much too difficult. History simply had to go.

     But hark! What’s this? The citation of a nasty, retrogressive fact? On a publicly accessible Website where anyone might stumble over it? Horrors!

     Black slaveholding is a historical phenomenon which has not been fully explored by scholars.

     Graduate students of history are often sur¬prised to learn that some free blacks owned slaves. Even historians are fre¬quently skeptical until they discover the number of black masters and the number of slaves owned by them. To many readers, slavery was an institu¬tion exclusively utilized by white slaveowners. The fact that free blacks owned slaves has been lost in the annals of history.

     Yet at one time or another, free black slaveowners resided in every Southern state which countenanced slavery and even in Northern states. In Louisiana, Maryland, South Carolina, and Virginia, free blacks owned more than 10,000 slaves, according to the federal census of 1830.

     From this it becomes quite clear that young people’s innocence must be carefully guarded from this “history” business. Why, if exposed to such poison, they might actually ask questions! I had to deal with such questions when I was your age, and the experience was terrible indeed. Was “racism” really the cause of slavery? What was the condition of enslaved Americans before their importation to North America? Were they free in any sense, or were they effectively the rightless property of African tribal kings, who happily bartered their lives for liquor, firearms, and ammunition? Why was slavery prevalent in the agrarian South rather than the industrialized North? Could federal tariff policies, which affected the South disproportionately, have had anything to do with it?

     No, this “history” rot had to be suppressed. We simply couldn’t have young people asking inconvenient questions – i.e., questions with inconvenient answers. They might start to wonder whether the legacy of slavery so frequently cited by the infallible spokesmen of African-Americans is an unadulterated crock of shit. The progressive project is much too important to allow it to be imperiled that way. Ponder that as you head to your government-approved, government-funded classrooms. Have a politically correct day.

     Good morning, young progressives Americans! The schedule for the day has just arrived. Your first class today will be White Christian Patriarchal Capitalist Oppression, which begins in ten minutes. All rise for the Pledge. No, you don’t actually have to say it if you prefer to think of yourself as a “citizen of the world.” But none of that nasty, regressive praying, you hear me? It might interfere with your schooling!

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     [Applause to the indispensable Brock Townsend.]