Friday, January 22, 2016

Leavenings Dept.

     I had a serious subject in mind for this morning. Really serious. My word, what a subject! The sort of subject that gives you a sharp pain right in that weird formation between the occipital and temporal lobes that the neurophysiologists think might be the key to understanding how anyone can accept the Standard Model of quantum physics without going completely bonkers. But I forced myself to sit very still in a dark room for a long time and the impulse finally went away.

     So instead, here are a few bad jokes.


     Not long ago, a Scottish pharmacist saw a Highlands regimental sergeant-major in full regalia march up to his counter. The sergeant-major dropped a bit of filthy, multiply-perforated latex -- a used condom -- onto the counter and said, "How much for a new one?"

     The pharmacist inspected the thing and replied, "Two pence."

     The sergeant-major cocked an eyebrow and asked, "How much to repair?"

     The pharmacist appraised the thing a second time and said, "One penny."

     Upon which the sergeant-major gathered up the item, said, "I'll be back," and departed.

     At about the same time the next day, the sergeant-major returned, dropped the used condom on the pharmacist's counter once again, and assumed full military bearing.

     "The regiment votes 'repair,'" he said.


     Smith and Jones were exploring the Lunar surface, expecting to see only rocks and dust, when they came upon a curious little creature: short, shaped much like a Teddy bear, and thickly furred in a white and black checkerboard pattern. The thing was apparently suited to the Moon's airless surface for it wore no clothing of any kind... except for a propeller beanie. The little creature noticed their interest, waved a hand in greeting, and bounded toward a nearby cave. The two astronauts followed in haste.

     What they found in the cave astounded them. The little creature who had waved to them was lost in a throng of identical short, Teddy bear-shaped figures, each thickly furred in a white and black checkerboard pattern, and each wearing a propeller beanie. The clustered around a large chair, a throne, really, on which sat yet another of their number, indistinguishable from the rest except for his seat. It was this one that beckoned the humans to approach.

     "Welcome! Welcome to the Moon!"

     The astronauts came near and offered polite thanks for the warm welcome. After a few initial pleasantries had been exchanged, including the expected congratulations for having crossed interplanetary space, the Teddy on the throne said, "Now, what would you like to learn about our little society, that you might take home to astonish your Earthly brethren?"

     Smith and Jones looked briefly at one another, and Smith said, "Well, sir, we can't help but notice that all of you are exactly alike."

     The Teddy nodded. "Just so. We discovered long ago that to allow differences among us caused dissension and envy, so we embarked on a eugenics program to eliminate them. Today we are as you see: identical copies of an ideal plan."

     "But I sense that you are in a leadership role," said Smith. "If you are all the same, how are your leaders chosen?"

     "By rote," responded the Teddy. "In an egalitarian society like ours, nothing else would make sense. But I see that the two of you are quite different: one short and one tall, one fat and one thin, one white and one black. How do you manage with all these conspicuous differences?"

     "Well," said Smith, "we manage. On Earth you would quickly meet many individuals different from either of us in uncountable ways. Are you really all exactly alike?"

     "Exactly," replied the Teddy.

     "All of you just so high?"

     "Just so."

     "And all of you with white and black checkered fur?"

     "All of us."

     "And you all wear propeller beanies?"

     "All of us," replied the Teddy. "Except, of course, for the goyim."


     She: Do you drink beer?
     He: Yes.

     She: How many beers a day?
     He: Usually about 3.

     She: How much do you pay per beer?
     He: $5.00 which includes a tip.

     She: And how long have you been drinking?
     He: About 20 years, I suppose.

     She: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
     He: Correct.

     She: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
     He: Correct.

     She: Do you realize that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

     He: Do you drink beer?
     She: No.
     He: Where’s your Ferrari?

3 comments:

  1. Where's my Ferrari? Sorry, I only drive Aston-Martin or McLaren.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar. Guess what happens next.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oooooh, that punchline is good! I must remember that the next time someone tells I spend too much money on ----------.

    ReplyDelete

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