Thursday, October 22, 2026

Feeling Old

     Now and then, my years weigh upon me in a commanding way. It’s like they’re saying “You’re an old man! Why aren’t you acting like one? Get to it!” And of course I must comply. Anything else would risk… uh, well, something.

     We all have our roles to play. Mine is Funny Curmudgeon. I must make people laugh using my years and the lumber-room of my damnably retentive memory. While that might not seem consistent with the curmudgeonly mentality, it is nevertheless a public service of sorts. Among other things, it extends the probable lifetimes of curmudgeons everywhere.

     But I must admit that it doesn’t always work out. I just had an encounter that made me wonder about our young folks. You know, the ones who don’t know how lucky they are.

     It started thus:

     Being a religious man, such questions will always get my respectful attention. So I provided a perfectly responsive reply:

     My interlocutor replied thus:

     …and I had a moment of pure existential despair.

     She didn’t know about S&H Green Stamps! How is this possible? Is there anyone whose parents didn’t save Green Stamps?

     Well, all right, yes, there were a lot of other “loyalty program” stamps:

     Greenbax Stamps offered by Piggly Wiggly, Gold Bell Gift Stamps (in the Midwest), Triple S Stamps (offered by Grand Union Supermarkets), Gold Bond Stamps, Blue Chip Stamps, Plaid Stamps (a project of A&P Supermarkets), Top Value Stamps, King Korn Stamps, Quality Stamps, Gunn Brothers given by Safeway, Buccaneer, and Eagle Stamps (a project of several divisions of the May Department Stores Co. of St. Louis, Missouri and offered, notably, by May Company stores, supermarkets, drug stores, gas stations, and dry cleaners in the midwest area).

     …but Green Stamps ruled in the Northeast until the Great Atlantic and Pacific Tea Company – that’s the A&P, to you Philistines with no respect for great corporate institutions – introduced Plaid Stamps to our district. My mother became an A&P fanatic and accumulated thousands of them… and forever after wondered what to do with her leftover Green Stamps. Well, into every life and all that.

     But seriously, how could any product of a Twentieth Century upbringing not know about loyalty programs? Didn’t her dad collect the game cards, cheap steak knives, and fragile tumblers from the local gas station? Today’s version of such programs may be found at credit-card companies, with their gift programs and cash-back deals. The idea is the same: Get the customer locked in. It’s one of marketing’s perennial agenda items.

     The story behind loyalty programs is bittersweet. Back then, most goods for sale were somewhat price-controlled, if not by the State then by the manufacturer. That applied especially to bulk commodities such as gasoline. So discounting had a lower bound: when a retailer reached that bound, he had to come up with something else to offer the customer for his loyalty. That happens with goods that are oversold, or for which there are too many sources.

     Well, tempora mutantur, and so forth. But my incredulity at my interlocutor not knowing about Green Stamps sent me swiftly to the sideboard. I’ve enjoyed a chilled glass of Harvey’s, have started on a second one, and reality’s edges have grown agreeably soft. Never mind the exceptionally clever pun; I toss off a dozen of those in a ten-minute conversation. Besides, I’m sure it will come in handy at some future time.

Posted by Labels:

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)