Among the most dangerous of things, politically, economically, and socially, the false consensus must rank high. Half of Mankind is dominated by consensus thinking. Women find it extremely difficult to depart from the current “women’s consensus.” Thus, they can be misdirected by a false consensus, with results that are sometimes catastrophic.
Men are not immune to consensus, but we have somewhat more ability to resist them, especially those of us who perceive clearly and accurately. Moreover, men’s innate proclivity for doing things by and for ourselves can also countervail a seeming consensus. All the same, there is danger in a pseudo-consensus for men as well as for women.
(Nota Bene: I just tried to look up the plural form of consensus, and found nothing. As it’s derived from the Latin verb consentire, “to agree,” there is no etymologically correct plural for it. English speakers tend to avoid trying to pluralize it. Clearly, there is no consensus about the plural of consensus. Just so you know.)
The deceivers among us strive to create seeming consensus that will direct us into their preferred channels. It’s especially significant in politics, from which we get the terms grass-roots and astroturf movements. Brilliant individuals have been badly misled by their impressions of “what everybody else is thinking.”
Now we come to the title of this piece.
My Gentle Readers don’t need to be told about the malaise that afflicts male-female relations. It’s bruited about sufficiently in the media, to say nothing of all the “self-help” books on the subject. And it’s kept men and women apart to a tragic extent. But if I may judge from experience, the reasons for that estrangement lie in exaggeration and anecdotes.
Few men are really self-absorbed scalp-hunters and bedpost-notchers. Few women are really man-hating termagants incapable of satisfaction. Just because you married one such means almost nothing, socially. But as seems to be the rule, tales of such persons get much wider circulation than stories of happily mated couples. Ironically, it’s the good men and good women who are principally guilty of spreading them.
The general belief in those false notions is keeping love-starved Americans apart. The frequent, heavily promoted diatribes about fortune-hunting women and “men going their own way” are the cause. The reality is considerably more benign. It just gets less air time and fewer column-inches.
In concert with those false consensus, we have the problem of elevated expectations. Men seek magazine-cover dream girls. Women seek six-foot-three Adonises on horseback. A great deal of popular literature urges us to think they’re out there waiting for us. It ain’t so, and when we’re in our right minds we know it perfectly well.
There’s a lot of money to be made from spreading tales of “romance predators:” men who use women for their bodies; women who only want to be supported like royalty. Romance novels often feature a male predator as an antagonist. Prenuptial agreements exist because well-to-do men fear women who have it in mind to “divorce rich.” And there are some of each roaming about. But though the general consensus suggests that they’re the majority, in truth they’re exceptions, and not even popular among their fellows.
Singles who can bring their dreams back to Earth can find compatible mates. They can get the love, companionship, loyalty, and support they seek, if they’re willing to give them as well. All things have their prices, and the price of marital happiness is that you must provide it if you wish to receive it. Relationships in which those things are reciprocated are the kind that endure.
Time was, that was more widely understood. But there’s that nasty consensus ringing in the backs of our heads. Surely it’s based on something. Dare a young, unmated American act as if it’s all twaddle?
I have nothing supremely wise to say on this subject. It’s mainly a suggestion to look beneath and beyond the consensus. But if you’d like to see a delightful movie about such things and how they could work out for those who are realistic and candid, try The Ugly Truth. Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl will get you laughing so hard you’ll hurt yourself. Trust me.