Prognostications And Recommendations Dept.

     The young of our glorious nation supposedly face a dearth of employment opportunities – at least, opportunities that would tolerate their degrees in Comparative Oppression Studies and would pay well enough to allow them to defray their educational loans. I sympathize, having feared much the same as I approached graduation, lo! these many moons ago. But a spot of brightness is available, for those with a shortage of inhibitions (or unusually strong stomachs).

     The synthetic sex partner industry offers possibilities that even those who have worked hardest to advance it have yet to grasp:

     AI doll manufacturer Realbotix has recently fitted new models with Wi-Fi, enabling high-speed synchronising for voice and animation.

     They also stand to benefit from 5G, which is poised to give us vastly superior mobile internet data.

     This means sex robots will be able to connect and update without needing to be near an internet router.

     But sex doll collector, Brick Dollbanger, believes this technology will make them so realistic, we won’t be able to tell them apart from humans.

     Brick, who has close ties with Realbotix, told Daily Star Online: "Anytime you can get a steadier flow of information from software to hardware activation, you are going to get better syncronisation and smoother more lifelike movement from your hardware.

     "That’s the key to synthetic evolution. Not just movement, but humanlike movement to the point of being indistinguishable from actual humans."

     “Brick Dollbanger?” Brick Dollbanger? That can’t be the name he was christened with. It made me check the article thrice for signs of parody. But no, it’s a legitimate article from a kinda-sorta legitimate source of news and opinion. Anyway, let’s get back to the job prospects.

     The sex robot developers have concentrated on physical similarity to humans, not on the emotional aspects of human interaction. This is understandable, as anyone who remembers the advice of his grammar-school teachers to “do the easy problems first” will immediately see. So fidelity to appearance and tactile responses is getting better all the time – so I’m told — but a sex robot that behaves like a human partner is still some distance away. And whether they’re candid about it or not, most sex-robot customers would like a “product” that convincingly simulates a human woman in behavior as well as “look and feel.”

     For simplicity (and because I’m a heterosexual male) let’s focus on the problem as it pertains to female sex robots.

     Will sexbot Alice want to cuddle and coo love-talk afterward, such that purchaser Smith can’t simply turn over and get some well-earned sleep? Probably not. What, after all, does cuddling do for an android? To say nothing of the tenuous connection it has to sex.

     Will Alice be programmed to regale Smith post-coitally with what her friend Susan heard from her cousin Joan about the outrageous things Joan’s apartment-mate Frieda’s boyfriend Jones said to her over dinner? Doubtful. AI is unlikely to be programmable for that behavior. Anyway, without adequate knowledge of real Susans, Joans, and Friedas in Alice’s data store, verisimilitude would be elusive, and where the hell is she going to meet them?

     Will Alice be programmed to compel Smith to shop with her? To spend hours in boutiques while Alice tries on garment after garment, most almost indistinguishable from one another, in search of the perfect “look” for “the office,” while Smith struggles to comprehend the all-important difference between mauve and fuschia or the “message” transmitted by three-and-a-half inch heels in contrast to that from four inches? This approaches absurdity. A sexbot with a realistic interest in such things would probably never be found in bed, vitiating the entire point of the acquisition.

     As for programming Alice to complain every time Smith leaves the toilet seat up, it’s ridiculous to imagine that the AI programmers would even think of it.

     So if left to her programming alone, sexbot Alice is unlikely to convince anyone that she’s a real girl. That’s a problem; actual men want women, after all, despite the baggage they bring into any relationship. Compared to the emotional vacuity, the spit-or-swallow thing pales into insignificance.

     But there is that WiFi connection…

     I predict the emergence of a new industry: the sex worker behind the sexbot. Such positions could be extremely remunerative, though obviously they would demand a certain kind of personality…and the ability to multiplex conversations (and shopping trips) among many Smiths simultaneously, as a one worker per sexbot ratio would be cost-prohibitive. The preferred applicant would be sexually knowledgeable although not necessarily deeply or widely experienced, would possess a convincing female personality, and would be just as incapable as a typical young woman of saying exactly what she means.

     Hm. It seems the personality behind the sexbot would have to be a young woman (or a really weird guy). Well, at least she wouldn’t have to do the “icky part,” which, after all, is the reason sexbots have been developed. So young women of America: get into training! As there will surely be intense competition for these new, demanding, but probably highly lucrative positions, prepare yourselves early for your place in this new and challenging field. Among the spinoff benefits, that way you won’t need to maintain your figure or develop expertise at any other positions. That part, we can confidently leave to the engineers.