Thursday, November 28, 2013

Little Bits Of Gratitude

WHEREAS Declaimant hath arisen yet again without pain, nausea, or (excess) disorientation;
And WHEREAS Declaimant's beloved Spouse hath agreed (admittedly, under some duress):

  1. To serve Ocean Spray Jellied Cranberry Sauce (and leave the slices with the rings in them for Declaimant);
  2. Not to serve Pickled Herring, String Bean Casserole a la Campbell's, or Pearl Onions in Cream Sauce;

Declaimant therefore doth agree to give thanks, on this Fourth Thursday of the Month of November in the Year of Our Lord 2013 -- away with that "Common Era" BS, thou heathen prick -- for all the following jointly and severally:

  1. For the love (inferred) and fidelity (imputed) of the aforementioned Spouse;
  2. For the comfort and security afforded by their Long Island, NY Domicile;
  3. For the faithful and affectionate companionship of their Dogs:
    • Rufus the Newfus;
    • Sophie Shepherd;
  4. For the affection and amusement provided by their Cats:
    • April Come She Will;
    • Irving Seymour Creamsicle;
    • Uriel The Great;
    • and Fluffy The Obscure;
  5. For the consideration and generosity of their neighbors Sir Henry the Constant Gardener to the South and Sir Richie the Well-Connected to the North;
  6. For his Readers, who hath provided Declaimant with much Revenue and even more valued Reinforcement:
  7. For God's gift of a Certified Galactic Intellect, which hath enabled Declaimant to earn a decent living without undue exertion lo! these many moons;
  8. For God's gift of a Sense for the Absurd, which hath cushioned Declaimant against the Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Fortune, including many that Hamlet somehow managed to avert;
  9. For God's gift of the Bounteous Patience that hath enabled Declaimant to endure the continued existence of certain Two-Legged Irritations;
  10. For the Good Sense God hath bestowed on the aforementioned Irritations, that they refrain from further inflicting themselves on Declaimant, that he not require an Attorney to defend him against charges of Murder;
  11. For the greatly appreciated Products of numerous Manufacturers and Service Providers, with special thanks this year for:
    • Daimler-Benz Motors;
    • Gibson Guitars;
    • Dell Computers;
    • Echo Landscaping of Miller Place, NY;
    • Soundview HVAC of Port Jefferson, NY;
    • and this year and every year Sterling Home Remodeling and its presiding baron Tony, without whom the aforementioned Domicile would long ago have descended from Hovel status to Dump;
  12. For the unfailing edification and entertainment Declaimant hath daily garnered from the emissions of his Colleagues of the Internet Commentariat, most especially:

IN WITNESS WHEREOF Declaimant doth hereby declare his Gratitude for all the above, and extends wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving to them and unnamed others.

(PSSST! Pass the BLEEP!ing stuffing.)


Anonymous said...

And also to you, kind sir.


Mt Top Patriot said...

Thank you Mr. Porretto, for the marvelous effort you put forth.


God bless you and your loved ones.

Kind regards

KG said...

And thanks to you, Mr, Porretto, for your wisdom and wit so freely dispensed.
May Clan Porretto have a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving.

AuricTech said...

I am thankful that your beloved Spouse has agreed not to serve Pickled Herring, as this means that there is more pickled herring out there for me joyfully to consume.... ;-)

John said...

Thanks for the kind mention, Fran. I am certainly also thankful for your superb essays and comments.

Happy Thanksgiving,