Monday, January 9, 2017

From The Archives: Warning Labels

     A few Gentle Readers have asked...well, pleaded, really, though few other petitioners have leveled a loaded .45 at me while they pleaded with me...for some lighter fare, to leaven the weighty crap that’s dominated this dive these past few days. So I dived into my Archives and found the following list of proposed “Warning Labels.”

     Just how accurate do you want the Warning Labels on the products you buy to be?

     I'm a physicist by training, and I suggest that, in the spirit of inclusiveness of all hazards that's been foisted upon us by Federal regulation, we really have to consider the following addenda to more topical warning labels:

     WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time

     CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

     HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.

     CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the Uncertainty Principle, It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

     ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

     READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

     PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, In Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

     NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled To Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" Into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

     PLEASE NOTE: Some Experts Claim That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

     IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.


Anonymous said...

Tunneling! That's it! Now I know how I lose so many things. Or maybe I look for them when they aren't there when I'm observing but reappear by the next observation and are thus 'found'.

I love physics!

Col. B. Bunny said...

Very droll.

Scott said...

Speaking of physics silliness, I did not know this (from Wikipedia) --

Morris "Moe" Berg (March 2, 1902 – May 29, 1972), was an American catcher and coach in Major League Baseball who later served as a spy for the Office of Strategic Services during World War II...

From May to mid-December 1944, Berg hopped around Europe interviewing physicists and trying to convince several to leave Europe and work in America. At the beginning of December, news about Heisenberg giving a lecture in Z├╝rich reached the OSS. Berg was assigned to attend the lecture and determine "if anything Heisenberg said convinced him the Germans were close to a bomb." If Berg came to the conclusion that the Germans were close, he had orders to shoot Heisenberg; Berg determined that the Germans were not close.


Soooo... if whether or not Heisenberg lived or died depended on the observation of an American catcher...

Oh, never mind.

Joseph said...

WARNING: This product is vegan cat food. This is NOT a cruelty-free product because an attempt to serve this to a cat will be painful to at least one animal, probably you.

WARNING: Contains literature. May induce thinking and other undesirable consequences. Read at your own risk!

WARNING: This product is bottled water. If you can't figure out if it's gluten-free, maybe you could ask someone on the staff of the group home.

WARNING: This product contains ingredients obtained from genetically-modified organisms. If you demand an explanation, we will send a team of experts with the IQ, common sense, and social skills of Sheldon Cooper to explain it. For a small consideration, we could arrange for a Cliff Clavin analog to meet you at the bar of your choice.