Friday, March 13, 2015

Your Curmudgeon Predicts

If you’re within a decade or so of my age, you might remember a particularly risible bit of filler that used to appear in giveaway local papers, shopping circulars, and whatnot: “Criswell Predicts.” This Criswell fellow, allegedly a “psychic,” would compose a piece made up of the wildest “predictions” you can imagine, and the patron publications would print it in whatever space they had to fill in their periodicals. The feature was fairly popular, though no one who gets his news from a source other than the Weekly World News would grant those “predictions” a moment’s credence.

As I’m feeling a wee bit better this morning – not bad enough to spend the day watching soap operas, but not well enough to reshingle the roof – I thought I might resume my musty old “Curmudgeon Emeritus” persona for the sake of a similar offering. All in good fun, you understand.

Your Curmudgeon Predicts

    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that the late Robert Culp will make contact with Bill Cosby through the “Long Island Medium” to offer Cosby advice about the latter’s sexual assault accusations.
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that Cosby will be thereafter be indicted...for making fraudulent Jell-O commercials.
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills will announce the world’s first coordinated sevenfold divorce, culminating in the world’s first trillion-dollar property settlement.
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... a new Bravo! “reality” show titled Real Divorcees of Palm Springs,
on which the newly liberated ladies will be courted by European gigolos selected by a live audience.
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that the firearms enthusiasts of New York and Connecticut will storm their state capitals to “reeducate” the governors and legislators of those states.
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (BATFE) will then issue a press release headed We Were Just Kidding! Really!
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that the BATFE will forswear its regulatory oversight of those subjects in favor of cosmetics, video games, and the costumes of “booth babes” and “cosplayers.”
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that Rep. Elijah Cummings (D, MD) will undergo gender transformation surgery designed to make him look exactly like Diana Ross.
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that Elijah Cummings will then be sued by the estate of Michael Jackson for copyright infringement on the grounds of “look and feel.”
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that the New York Yankees, unable to escape their contract with third baseman Alex Rodriguez, will reassign him as “Bat Boy.”
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that Rodriguez will announce his retirement in favor of a new career in entertainment.
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that Bravo! will sign Rodriguez to star in a new “reality” show titled “Steroid Addicts Anonymous.” All Rodriguez’s guests’ faces will be obscured. However, their names will appear in the “Closed Captioning” box, in large type.
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that former United States Senator and Secretary of State Hillary R. Clinton will purchase television time on all the major networks to announce that “I am not a crook.”
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that First Lady Michelle Obama will shortly announce the birth of her love child by Vice President Joseph R. Biden.
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that President Barack Hussein Obama will divorce Michelle Obama in favor of Reggie Love.
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that the Democratic Party’s National Convention will nominate “None Of The Above” for president and vice president in 2016.
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... the November 8, 2016 election of Ted Cruz as President and John Bolton as Vice President.
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... the November 9, 2016 announcement by Ayatollah Ali Khameini and Kim Jong-un that “We Were Just Kidding! Really!”
    Your Curmudgeon Predicts... that he will soon be getting a lot of angry phone calls from assorted celebrities, politicians, and their attorneys, to be followed by a visit from members of the Secret Service and an audit notice from the IRS. Assuming the missiles from Iran and North Korea don’t get here first, that is.

Applause to Wikipedia for all those lovely supporting links. (Eat your heart out, Criswell.)


Guy S said...

You forgot that THIS is the year the Chicago Cubs finally make it (back) to the World Series.
Unfortunately, this is also the year the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse " are given front row box seats.

Francis W. Porretto said...

Well, Guy, I didn't want to make the sort of prediction that would have readers saying "Oh, come on!"

Bruce said...

Theo Epstein made a winner of the Red Sox and broke their curse. Maybe he can do the same for the dear old Cubbies. Wouldn't that be a nice jab at windy city southsiders (White Sox fans like Berserk Insane Oblamya for those non-baseball fans).

Pascal said...

I am so glad you jumped aboard the rejoice express. :) For those of our vintage it may remind somme of this: and make real sense of it for the first time.

bob r said...

Your Curmudgeon Predicts... the November 1, 2016 election of Ted Cruz as President and John Bolton as Vice President.
Your Curmudgeon Predicts... the November 2, 2016 announcement by Ayatollah Ali Khameini and Kim Jong-un that “We Were Just Kidding! Really!”

That would be "nice" but you need to change the dates: the election will be on November 8, 2016.

Anonymous said...

Seeing as you being in a predictin mood an all....can ya predict me some of them there lotto numbers for tonight? A win would go along way to establishing your predictin credibility... : )