Quickies: The Sign Of Peace In The Age Of The Kung Flu

     Ours is a time of troubles, and what could be a clearer indication than this: no one shakes hands these days!

     Does no one else remember why shaking hands is important? It’s an indication that you’re unarmed – the hand with which you shake, anyway – aren’t about to strike him whose hand you’re shaking, and therefore that your intentions are peaceful. It might be the most important social gesture ever adopted.

     In this connection, note that women prefer not to shake hands. They’re more inclined to hug one another and exchange cheek kisses. This is not an indication of peaceable inclinations. It’s a mutual examination, intended to detect any concealed weapons and search out the best points on the other gal’s body for a quick disabling strike. As preparation for an initiation of hostilities, it couldn’t be improved upon.

     (Yes, all women are always ready to strike at any moment. Surely you already knew that...didn’t you?)

     Thus, one of the great imperatives of our moment is the invention of a substitute for the handshake: a gesture that:

• Maintains “social distancing” guidelines;
• Demonstrates peaceful intentions;
• Is unlikely to result in infection.

     And your Curmudgeon, ever alert for an opportunity to put his Certified Galactic Intellect to work for the Greater Good, has come up with one:

The Spatula Shake!

     Visualize it: Smith, in preparing to go grocery shopping, first equips himself with his ritual spatula, as does Jones. They two encounter one another in some public place. Being males of our species, they recognize the importance of demonstrating their peaceable intentions to one another. So they draw their spatulas with appropriate ceremony, extend their arms full-length, and touch blades. Having thus indicated that they mean one another no harm, social harmony can be maintained.

     A spatula is the ideal instrument for this ritual. It’s a suitable length, it’s easily toted about, and it’s no use in a fight. Kukris would convey the wrong message. Pipe wrenches are unwieldy and can be used to deliver lethal blows. Back-scratchers would suggest inclinations that...oh, never mind.

     Accordingly, I intend to carry a spatula with me until the end of the current crisis. Possibly afterward, as well. After all, they’re useful for sanitarily scooping up small change found in parking lots, too. Just don’t tell the C.S.O.