Monday, December 2, 2019

Super Powers: A Wish List

     Have you ever fantasized about having a super power? I have. But I don’t find any of the conventional ones – you know, super strength, super speed, the ability to fly, and so on – terribly interesting. Anyway, they’re over-subscribed. Too many people would choose them. And once everyone is super-strong, what would be exceptional about it? No, I want a super power that no one else would even think of having.

     How about the power to change the endings of movies? Imagine sitting in a darkened theater with hundreds of other moviegoers who’ve waited for months for the latest Star Wars or Marvel flick, and when the climactic moment arrives, ripping out the filmed ending with your super power and substituting a Joe Biden campaign speech – or maybe fifteen minutes from the Home Shopping Network. Wouldn’t the screams be a delightful thing to hear?

     I’ve often dreamed about having the power to make people spout gibberish. No, not their lamebrained political positions, but real gibberish: the sort that sounds as if the guy’s brain has just been dissolved in liquid drain cleanser. Think of it: you’re at some candidate’s vote-for-me appearance, and just as he’s heading into his Big Pitch, you exercise your power, and suddenly he can’t say anything but “Gafleebrbl Yakaquahog Zinsowlshlug Mercooplinghausen!” Who needs opposition research if you can do that?

     Here’s one for the parents of picky eaters: the power to make anything taste like chocolate. They won’t eat their broccoli? No problem! You change its flavor to that of a Hershey bar. Suddenly they can’t get enough of the stuff! And of course, once they’re “hooked on broccoli,” you stop exercising your power to change its flavor. "Hey, Dad, is something wrong with the broccoli tonight?" "Hm, let me try it,’re right, the flavor is way off. Here, have some of my brussels sprouts instead."...Hee, hee, hee!

     One last one that would be absolutely invaluable: the power to alter bar codes! There’s a lot of information buried in a bar code, and even more in the data base it’s used to access. So what if the 10 pound filet mignon would cost you $120 as marked? Change the bar code to the one for...let’s see now...a bag of frozen peas! These days the checkout clerks don’t actually look at what the register totes up as long as the bar code reader makes that little “I read it okay” ping, so you’d save a bundle! There’s a power that would really stretch the family’s grocery budget.

     Too bad none of these powers are actually available, but I can dream. Hey, they’re still working on reproducing the Super-Soldier Serum that turned a 97-pound weakling into Captain America, so there’s still hope!


Cordolf said...

I have often wished for the power to make sales clerks answer my questions accurately. Of course, this would likely just result in getting a lot of "I don't know" responses but I still think I'd like it better than the current "Oh sure, it can do that!" no matter what the question is.

The super power that I actually appear to have is the power to select the one item of a group that will not scan at the checkout . Every time, doesn't matter the store, I will have an item that won't scan. There were forty-five apparently identical boxes, and I picked the one that won't scan the bar code.

I am open to offers to trade.

P hall said...

I recall The Onion having an infographic about least useful superpowers, with one being the ability to always shake exactly two aspirin out of the bottle...