Wednesday, October 21, 2020

Education Really Is A Lifelong Process

     I must say, as your Curmudgeon Emeritus and dictator verborum to the World Wide Web, I seldom encounter a pithy word or phrase I’ve never seen or heard before. However, the #MeToobin affair has been an illumination in imagery and metaphor. More specifically, it’s taught me a whole new range of phrases with which to speak of male self-abuse: i.e., manual masturbation.

     I knew a few of the more indirect references to the act:

  • Shining the shaft;
  • Spanking the monkey;
  • Frisking John Thomas;
  • Polishing the family jewels;
  • Giving Wee Willie a workout.

     ...but I had no idea there were so many more!

     Here’s a contribution from Bookworm Room’s Wolf Howling:

     If you haven’t heard, Toobin was caught on a Zoom call in flagrante delicto . . . playing a solo on his organ. Yes, in a Zoom conference call with, among others, the staff of the New Yorker, Toobin was caught on cam with his joy stick out as he choked the chicken, beat the bishop, celebrated Palm Sunday, played a pick-up game of five-on-one, and burped the worm.

     When confronted about his actions on the call, Toobin said it was a failed attempt at a joke. “I was just trying to pull a fast one.” Later Toobin stated that he had misunderstood the purpose of the Zoom call. “What do ya’ mean, election simulation? Boy did I get mishear that one.”

     Not bad, eh? Have a few more from PJ Media’s Megan Fox:

     How does he expect us to believe he did not check this before deciding to whip out wee Willie? And worse, why is that a good excuse for flogging the dolphin during a work call? Do we need congressional intervention to tell us that being an Army of One on a Zoom call is the wrong thing to do? Do we need a new criminal code for 2020 specifying that hoisting your own petard while attending a conference call is offensive to others? It’s sad that humans can’t just self-police....

     And now Toobin wants the world to accept that he made a “mistake” and “accidentally” sexually harassed everyone in a Zoom call. That’s what we’re really talking about here. If MeToo has taught me anything it’s that consent matters and if a man exposes himself to anyone without their consent it’s akin to rape. Remember that Louis C.K. was dragged for engaging in this same activity on phone calls with women. So was Harvey Weinstein, who was reported to have sprinkled his house plant in plain view of witnesses.

     All very colorful. Are there any others? Perhaps we should take this opportunity to compile a definitive list. Add your favorites to the Comments.



"Flogging the bishop" is one I saw a while back.

Craig said...

Wrestling the bald headed champ.

Seneca III said...

Tickling the Trouser Trout.


"Five finger discount" and "Visiting Rosie Palmer" are two more than just came to mind.

Seething said...

"Passing one over the knuckles", "playing the open-holed skin flute" and "rubbing one out" are some graphic options.

Mike Guenther said...

He had a date with Rosey Palm and her Five sisters.

He was doing the toob snake boogie.

Mike Smith said...

Tug-o-war with cyclops
Make the bald man cry
Release some hostages
Make some baby batter
Pulling my Toobin

Mike Smith said...

Dating Palmala Handerson

Andy5759 said...

Personally I'd rather not join in but, hey I'm a kid at heart.

In the UK it's bashing the bishop. Spanking the monkey, one off the wrist, entertaining Mrs. Palm and her five daughters. The whole episode reminds me of the Paul Young song Careless Wrister, funnily enough he has history in that department.

Don said...

Slap the carrot.

Craig said...

Polish the purple helmet. Scrub the carrot.

evanfardreamer said...

Doing a skinflute solo
Rolling his stones
Racking his slide
Greasing his own palm
Playing a game of pocket polo
Tooting his horn

I will totally start using "hoisting his own petard", that's classic.

Ragin' Dave said...

Presenting his Credentials (that one is historical)

Wayne said...

“Rosie you’re all right,
You wear me ring.

When you hold me tight,
Rosie that’s my thing.

When I turn out the light,
I’ve got to hand it to me.

Looks like it’s me and you again,
Tonight, Rosie.”

Jackson Browne


In this vein you'll find the image amusing: